7,305 days 6 hours and 33 minutes of living with this ailment and this passed Saturday I decided... I want to wear heels. So I tried some on... AND THEY FIT!! I stood up very slowly and attempted to walk toward my ceiling to floor closet door mirror. Then I was quickly  reminded how long it had been. 7,305 days 6 hours and 33 minutes since I'd worn heels on a regular basis...I haven't worn a respectable height of  heels since my high school prom.

Prom night I forced my size 9 partially swollen, elegantly French tipped toes into the most beautiful shoes my mother has ever picked out for me. I loved those shoes. They were clear and enchanted with little Swarovski crystals all aligned in the formation of flowers on a vine. They were sling back and peep toe and gorgeous. And for 1 hour and 27 minutes I was Cinderella. Then the swelling began again and I was barefoot for the rest of the evening.

That was the day I swore offheels. I didn't know much about the disease I then had for the last 4 1/2 years. Frustration had long set in and I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't figure out how to keep the swelling down for more than a few hours. All my doctors had ever told me at this point was "Here take this water pill" or "Keep it elevated to make the swelling go down." Which only kept me going back and forth from the bathroom to the bed. Needless to say I ditched those instructions and instead decided to only keep it elevated on the nights before events I wanted to go to that required me to wear heels.

That worked but it was annoying to have to prepare myself a whole day in advance for a few hours of feminine bliss. So I stopped. And from then on I only wore sandals and sneakers. Mostly sandals...Adidas sandals.... the really cushy ones with the massage bubbles... I love Adidas.

This past weekend, while cleaning my closet, I came across 3 pairs of shoes. One pair of Halston Wedges my mom bought me, a pair of wedges I got fromTarget, and a pair of stilettos my love bought me for my birthday one year. All aged between 6 and 10 years old in excellent condition. Even though I had no plans of ever wearing them again, I still buy them cause they're puurrtty! ;-) I got excited as I always do when I see a nice pair of shoes. The only difference this time is my feet didn't look like 2 over stuffed submarine sandwiches. So I put them on and sure enough they fit. No fight, no struggle. Slid right on as if I'd always worn them and they'd been broken in.

So I stood up and walked towards the mirror. I was too excited to be walking in a pair of heels. Then I noticed the way I was walking and the ogre like posture my body had twisted into. I was slowly going down. My leg muscles are so weak now that I can't even walk in heels!!

As much as I want to blame this on my condition... I can't completely. Really I kinda gave up on myself. I haven't been working out like I should have been. Mainly because I never thought I'd ever get to a point of partial control. I had completely stopped looking for a comfort zone with this disease. I just let it happen to me. I wish I had someone then to tell me that I ahd a chance of survival... that I could lead a normal life and that preparation doesn't have to consume my days.

It's time for me to set real life goals and commit to total life changes. Changes that will affect my life on a whole... My issue now is where do I start. I am now 100lbs heavier than I was in high school, with added knee and back pain because I'm tall and not used to carrying so much weight. I think one of the most important things I've learned from beginning this journey again is that now I know there are other people out there just like me, looking for a solution just like me.... and looking for a support system just like me. And that alone gives me brighter look at my future.